Anxiety

 
I think I had an anxiety attack today.  I work in the mental health field so I see this on a daily basis.  Mind racing.  Impulsive decisions.  Hands shaking.  Talking out loud to myself.  Yep, I was a basket case and needed my own mental health services!

Thinking about our kids' education does this to me from time to time.  We have homeschooled for almost 12 years on and off.  Public school and private school thrown in here and there.  Our three younger kids were in public school in the 2012-2013 year for almost the whole year.  Enter anxiety attack (I think I have had these for my whole life but never really knew what it was).  Are we doing the right thing?  Is this bad for them?  I know they miss me, they want to spend more time with me right???  Throw in the fact that I was just depressed (cross country move, changes, trying to find our perspective, etc.) and the anxiety, well, let's just say it got a bit out of hand.  So I did what I do best at times and manipulated the situation a bit (I know, you're thinking I am the one who needs mental health services but don't we all at times?!?!?) and soon everyone was miserable.  Enter buying a new house.  New house, new district, only 6 weeks left of the school year, homeschool last six weeks of the year so they don't have to start a new school, awwwwww anxiety gone.

This morning.  Actually past two weeks.  It just reared it's ugly head this morning in a very visible way.  Are we doing the right thing?  Is this bad for them?  They are so bored and we are only a couple of months into this.  What happens when they have to do this day after day after day for months on end????  Are they going to end up being miserable????  They don't see me any more than before, when they were in school, they just get to be at home more (not so sure this is a great thing for kiddos who are very social).  Is this really a great thing for them or does it just satisfy some deep thing in me??

I put my coping skills into place, got ready for work, kissed my kiddos and headed out the door.  God and I had some pretty serious conversations today.  More questions.  Were they really happy in school and I screwed it up with my own insecurities?  Was it really that horrible of a place?  Did we do everything we could to make it a positive experience?  Why do I do these things?  What is that deep, somewhat crazy thing in me that triggers this???

No answers yet.  Mr. Smooth made a comment this evening when I got home from work, "I miss my friends and don't think I really like being home."  An answer?  Not sure.  Not reading anything into it.  He likes to talk.  But.....maybe I should listen more to my kids' feelings and thoughts (and not actually talk, just listen) instead of my anxieties?  Maybe I should only use my manipulation skills to make puzzle pieces fit into spaces they aren't supposed to fit in.  Definitely think it's something to consider.