I'm working very diligently on being an actual health nut.  I've had to go to drastic measures to do so as my body would not respond to what I was trying to do.  Literally.  Seven out of twelve months being faithful, consistent and working my a** off and nothing.  Zero response from my body.  Even took a migraine medicine for the crazy bad migraines I go through and a side effect is weight lose.  Nothing.  Literally.  So I took matters into my own hands, actually my surgeons hands, I had bariatric surgery, gastric sleeve to be exact.  

I'll save ya the boring details.  They really aren't worth it.  Here's what matters:

• If one person tells me I took the easy way out...I will throat punch them (even if it isn't throat punch Thursday).  This has in no way been easy.
• Bariatric surgery does not guarantee that you will be healthier, thinner and happy.  
• I have to eat just as healthy and exercise just as much as I did before if I want to lose the extra weight and become an official health nut.
• Again, not an easy out.  Can't stress that enough.  

I made the decision to take matters into my own hands in February after hours and days and weeks of research.  I settled on a surgeon in Tijuana, before you even say or think a single thought about going to Mexico hold it - I'll explain in a minute, and booked my surgery.  We don't have insurance.  Mexico was my only option.  For the price of a couple of meals out a month, I was able to come up with enough money to make a payment on my health for the next few years.  I saved almost $15,000 by going to Mexico and that included a flight for Jason and I.  Top notch surgeon, nurses and care.  Could not have asked for better care actually.  March 28, 2015 is a day that will live in my memory forever.  My life changed in ways I never imagined.

God has had his hand on me the entire journey.  Without it, I wouldn't be here to write a blog.  The surgeon I chose also did a fellowship in cardiology (he trained in the U.S. for cardiology and bariatrics).  Not only was he able to take out about 80% of my overstretched stomach but he was able to recognize that I have a heart problem.  One I have never known about.  No one has actually.  My surgery took longer than usual because my heart could not maintain a steady rhythm and my heart rate ran so low, low 20's.  Apparently my resting heart rate ranges from 42'ish to 52'ish.  Extremely conditioned athletes can have a heart rate in the 50's and be safe.  Ummmm....I think we all know I'm not a well conditioned athlete.  I left Mexico with strict orders to follow up with my primary care doctor and a cardiologist.  Three more weeks and I will finally get to see the primary.  And then wait for a referral.  Ugh.  For the most part, it doesn't really cause a problem.  Well...except the other day when I worked out a little too hard right after being released to work out again (first one back actually) ...thank God the piano was there to catch me before I hit the ground!  My man wasn't impressed.  My heart likes super highs and super lows.  I'm not impressed.

So why go through all of this?  Because I couldn't do it on my own.  After two decades of being obese I decided I had to do something if I wanted to see my kids grow up.  So I did.  I was fortunate, I have had so much support.  More than I ever dreamed.  There have been emotional, mental and physical highs and lows.  Gas pains from laparoscopic surgery like I've never had before (had two other surgeries and nothing like this).  A HUGE learning curve - pork (most varieties) hates me now, chewable vitamins not so bad, chewable iron HELL NO! unless you enjoy the taste of blood, "being regular" is a gift (really, you should treasure it.  really).  Funny thing is, I would do it all over again in a heart beat.  Literally.  Sure my clothes fit better and a lot of them just don't fit, too big, freakin' finally!  I am healthier, I can feel it, an important benefit that sits at the top of my list.  But even more than these things, I can finally, finally say I don't loathe myself when I look in a mirror.  Not just loathing the physical appearance but the mental aspect.  Having to have those "talks" with myself in the mirror about feeling like a failure, demanding I do better, work harder, be stronger and blah blah blah.  I don't have to do that anymore.  That in itself makes me healthier.  If I start that down the loathing road (see above - mental and emotional highs and lows), my supports come in like gangbusters and talk me off the ledge.  Literally.  

I'm on a journey to be an actual health nut.  It's working.  I like it.  It feels good.  Finally.

Judy

Elliptical Master

 

So I already told everyone we joined the Y.  I haven't been the yoga master for a couple of weeks.  Just haven't felt it.  I have a new title.  Elliptical master.  The Elliptical and I become one but in the end....I'm the master.

Tonight's workout...gonna feel it in the morning.  I burned 617.4 calories.  Stoked.  I feel amazing.  I worked my tail off.  Not literally but I wish.  But I did feel amazing.  It became this very weird and crazy challenge and I was determined to be the winner, even though the Elliptical can't fight back.  Light bulb.  I was fighting against me.  Old me.  The one that creeps back in and decides that being healthy doesn't really matter to me.

It matters.  I want to be the master of not just the Elliptical but of my body.  Hardest thing I have ever done.  But, I'm winning.  Slow but sure.  I always thought people were nuts that that were addicted to working out.  I can see how easily that could happen after today's workout.  I didn't want to stop.  I wanted to keep seeing that calorie counter get higher and higher.  If I would have had time, I would have went for 1K in cals.  

Tomorrow is another day.  My body and my mind/heart will be in a battle to the death.  My mind and heart are going to win.  Unhealthy body, see ya.  Doubt me?  You forget, I'm the Elliptical master.

Wanna be is gonna be sore

Ouch.  Major ouch.  A little more ouch.  It's only been 3 hours since I was at the Y and I already feel it.  I worked hard.  I was focused.  I am proud.  

There is this crazy zone that I get in when I am working out.  Nothing can kill my focus.  I am driven.  Driven to work harder.  To push myself.  But, it's odd.  That drive is NOT there at home.  Only when I go somewhere.  I baby out at home.  I put it off.  But the "gym", it's all about me.

No one needs anything to eat.  I don't have anyone asking me questions.  I can focus entirely on me.  As a mom, as a working mom especially, it's hard to focus on yourself.  It's easy to put yourself last and feel guilty if you do it differently.  I'm realizing, I'm not mentally and emotionally healthy if I don't give this gift to myself.

My job helps keep me sane.  Weird since I work with mentally ill people but I love what I do.  My family makes me feel complete and I love spending time with them.  It isn't enough.  I have to do something for myself.  I have to put me first for an hour, five days a week, 52 weeks a year.  I've realized the kids won't die.  The laundry won't get any bigger (well hopefully not) in that hour.  Dogs won't starve.  Dishes will get done eventually.  

I don't have to give so much of myself that there is nothing left.  I don't feel guilty anymore.  I'm proud of myself.

An Epiphany

Went to the Y yesterday.  Met with the "wellness coach".  Let's just say, I think I could do that job just as well, maybe better.  I know, I know.  Wouldn't have needed to meet with her if I had it all together.  Right??  

Disclaimer:  I am in no way putting down the wellness coach.  She is a super nice lady.  She is smart.  She's in fantastic shape.  But.....

That's an hour of my life I will never get back.  Or that I could have spent working out.  Or that I could have swam with the kids.  Really.  

Any advice I take away from my "coach" (since they can't actually give you specifics (although they present the program as that) because you have to pay the personal trainer to do that) visit?  Trying hard to rack my brain here.

I know.  I sound so sarcastic.  But seriously.  Just because I'm still in the getting serious about my health stage, it doesn't mean that I know nothing about nutrition and exercise.  In fact, the workout "suggestions" (again can't give you any kind of actual plan, just give SUPER vague ideas) were actually not good suggestions.  I asked questions.  Well, to bad for me, at that point visit over.  Guess you don't question the coach.

And just to set the record straight, people who have weight issues, whether too much or too little weight, are not lazy, uneducated consumers.  I can name the calories, fat, blah, blah, blah in the majority of the food I put in my pie hole.  Pie, coconut cream, my fav.  Wait, I digress.....Yes, i have read just about every book on diets, on weight loss, on living a healthy life.  Blah, blah, blah.  I've got the apps.  I subscribe to the Facebook pages.  Really.  The knowledge is ALL there.  And probably way more than I will EVER need.  So why still a wanna be?

It's a heart condition.  Not physical.  Emotional.  I'm gettin' it figured out.  So hard to change habits and behaviors that have been there for so long.  Slight oxymoron as I do behavior therapy on a daily basis all day long with my clients.  So easy to teach others but so hard to put it into practice in my own life sometimes.  But, I'm ready.  There is this crazy, good feeling I have when I get done working out and I have pushed.  Not just exercised.  Pushed to the max, game face on, make the girl on the elliptical next to you think hey, if the big girl can do it, so can I and she ends up looking like she is trying to race you somewhere.  That's what I'm talking about.  Push.

I think I'm going to be my own wellness coach.  Pretty sure I can do the job, maybe do it better.

It's Fun to Stay at the......

YMCA!  We joined the "Y" tonight.  We took the tour last week, had to wait until payday to get our sweat/swim on though.  I didn't swim.  Need a new suit.  Dread got his basketball on.  Dad and the younger kids enjoyed the slide, the fountains and everything else in the aquatic center.  Family fun that doesn't require food.  Odd concept for me.

We are investing in our future.  A healthier one.  Our kids' future.  Being healthier makes it easier to stay around and be part of our kids' future.  It creates healthy habits in our kids.  It instills a love of being active at a younger age.  Hopefully, they will all grow up being wanna be health nuts.  

I didn't grow up being a health nut.  Or have a love for being active.  Sure, I played softball.  I was a cheerleader for a while.  Activities that involved sweatng....definitely not my first love.  If they were, I wouldn't be a wanna be.  I'd just be a nut.  Changing negative habits is hard.  So hard.  But.....well, there are not buts, it's hard.

I can do this.  I can go from wanna be to just being.  I'm looking forward to my gym time being permanently in my schedule.  It's almost too hard to imagine.  Looking forward to a future that doesn't include putting my health last.  Kind of exciting.  What about looking in a full body mirror and thinking, wow, I am rockin' this little black number.  An odd concept for me but not for long.

Learning Curve

Is there anything in this world that doesn't have a learning curve??  That whole 70 minutes of yoga in a day. Remember that??  Ummmm.....I should have figured there'd be a learning curve.

Day after 70 minutes of thinking I am a yoga master.  Core so SORE I could hardly stand straight.  Triceps burning during my morning flat iron routine.  Thank God I had easy clients that were content to chill during session.  I'm still sore.  

I have a plan.  Continue to be yoga master, of sorts.  Remember the learning curve.  Alternate days when it's been a tough workout.  Remember the learning curve.  Seeing a pattern here?

I have goals.  I have plans.  I have a future.  A healthy future.  One that remembers the learning curve.

Yoga Master

Well, "Master" may  not be the correct term for myself at this point.  But, I have found that.....I love yoga.  A lot.  It does something for me.  Actually, it does a lot.  

My favorite yoga app has this saying at the end, "now bring this after yoga feeling to the rest of your day."  Sometimes I get my yoga on at night.  Stayed up too late the night before.  Darn Spelltower app.  But even if it's evening, it does something for me.

I have struggled with being healthy for a large portion of my life.  Can't use "I gained most of it with my first child" since he is now almost 18.  Granted, I did.  I just never lost it and then added more.  Last year, wow, what a year.  I did manage to lose about 68 pounds through all the crazy.  Winter.  Why winter do you have to bring 10 pounds?  Not the gift I wanted.  A whole myriad of emotions with that 10.  

I yoga'd (not sure that is a word) twice today for a total of 70 minutes.  A sense of accomplishment.  Pride.  Sore muscles.  Hope.  Knowing.  See ya 10.  You're not welcome. 

First time in my life I have ever shared this battle.  I think it's time.  Why?  I am winning.  It does something for me.